Frustration vs. Living in the Moment

156 days to the 30th Pan Mass Challenge | 200 Days to the PMC Blog
Please donate to fund research at the Dana Farber via the Jimmy Fund/Pan Mass Challenge - click the bike.

156 days to the 30th Pan Mass Challenge, and I am teetering between frustration and living in the moment.

Having four of five family members battling the flu-ish bug is frustrating. It made it much more challenging to be enchanted by the present moments that presented themselves over the February vacation week. Like a fun ski race, two beautiful, snowstorms, a day with my brother and his boy, lovely drives with my daughter and an excellent meeting with a client who wants us to do more.

Great moments teetering on the other side of the see-saw trying to overcome the weight of frustration.

Frustration has a strong hold on a part of my professional life. The economy presents challenges for my financial services startup, but also is the driving force behind the need for our products and services.

And today I found a posting what looks like a dream (FT) job for me - the title has four of my favorite six business words. I was flying high with excitement, and then I heard that the company had not secured anticipated funding and downsized drastically.

I can only imagine the frustration of battling cancer, and then I remember how many battlers have been grateful for the shock that leads them to learn how to live fully in the moment.

I'm looking forward to the moments of the coming 156 days!

"Degree of Difficulty"

My daughter has a hideous, hideous cold, complete with fever, cough, congestion, and sore throat. She feels yukky and thinks life couldn't get worse. Wrong-o, babycakes, but that's a 'feature' of being a blessedly healthy 13-year-old.

My friend Geoff broke his neck ski racing three weeks ago. Clean break of a cervical vertebrae. He was pretty loopy and really sore, but not paralyzed. Ended his ski season, but not his life, and not his mobility. He'll recover with no fear of relapse.

Cancer is tough, and deserves to be defeated. Please join the fight by doing what you can. Some suggestions.
1) Give blood.
2) Give platelets.
3) Fund research.

Thanks!

A favorite PMC photo...

This is one of my favorite signs, and thoughts, of the Pan Mass Challenge.

From PMC 2008

Sax: Meg's Angel

168 days to the 30th Pan Mass Challenge | 200 Days to the PMC Blog
Please donate to fund research at the Dana Farber via the Jimmy Fund/Pan Mass Challenge - click the bike.

Each year, Team Avanti rides the PMC to honor cancer survivors, thrivers and angels. Here's the first share from a friend. We look forward to hearing from you about the special people in your life who have been touched by cancer.

Jim Cummings-Saxton, a.k.a. "Sax." Sax was my boss when I first entered the world of Environmental Consulting. He had come to environmental consulting out of pure conviction, via NASA and consulting to Harley Davidson. He was a 6'5" piece of work ... and on one of our first commutes to DC together, we figured out that he was a class ahead of my dad at Mt. Lebanon High School in Pittsburgh, PA. I love the small world thing, but it only got smaller! He handed me a doozy of a client at the EPA, apologizing profusely b/c the guy had a reputation for being "challenging." I was brand new to consulting and nervous as all get out ... but I jumped in feet first w/ my first conference call, and discovered that my client was a big sailor (I have sailed all my life) and had been my brother's economics professor in college (not a great outcome there, but hey, it was a connection). The client and I became a good team and Sax was happy. Sax had another problem. He was short-staffed. So he bucked company procedure and staffed his project w/ associates (as opposed to senior associates). We loved Sax and we cranked. EPA was happy and we travelled the country preaching the "cleaner, cheaper, smarter" mantra for EPA. Trying desperately to merge the private and public sides of environmental protection.

I went through two maternity leaves w/ Sax and threatened to leave each time. But I always came back. When I did finally leave the firm, I stayed in touch. A few years later, our youngest was born w/ some medical complications and I decided to stay home. Shortly after, Sax became sick w/ a brain tumor. I was stunned. I had two friends whose daughters were diagnosed w/ brain tumors. I felt completely helpless and began to take Sax to some of his treatments at Mass General. Afterward, he and my 1 1/2 year-old and I would have lunch. He was changed by his cancer and his treatment, but he was still my dear dear Sax. Those trips were so logistically difficult to pull off, but they were worth every mile.

When Sax became too sick, he went into Hospice. Those visits were even harder. My "challenging" EPA client tracked me down and asked if I would help him visit Sax one last time. There were still a few things he wanted to talk over w/ Sax. I picked the client up at Logan and drove him to the hospital. Sax had just stopped talking the night before, so we just sat there and held his hands for an hour or so. Then I drove the client back to Logan and we said our goodbyes.

A few days later, Sax left us. His memorial service was in a packed-to-the-gills stone church on a hilltop in Nahant. It was November, and it was honking windy and pouring rain -- like a scene out of a movie. I read a memorial piece as well as a piece from former colleagues of mine who could not be there.

I think about Sax all the time. He taught me more than I could ever convey in a paragraph or two. I feel that so many of us were robbed by his cancer-induced death.

I think that this ride is a way to pay tribute to so so so many like Sax and also to promote A CURE. Ride safely and fast and thanks for honoring these tremendous men, women & children.

Thanks John. Meg

"Sync"

173 days to the 30th Pan Mass Challenge.

Yesterday, I felt out of "sync" because I was out of my normal, winter Saturday routine of skiing. Body and mind were unbalanced, and I felt disoriented until I recognized "why." Only then could I rebalance and get synced with myself.

If I got knocked out of balance from such a relatively small disturbance, what must it be like to be whacked, thwacked, shoved and pummeled by something big, like a cancer diagnosis, or having a loved one lose the battle with cancer?

It's huge, I know from experience, and my way through relied on contemplation, expression, and relying on others who had strength I lacked at that moment. Then, it took me years to regain my balance. Fortunately, I'm wiser now and faster to turn to my trusted tools.

How do you get back in sync?

Losing my mom, Eve, and then her best friend, Helga, disturbed my balance for years.

From PMC 2008

Jen Kay's death, so offensively early, brought focus to "doing good."

From PMC 2008

Debi Finnerty was an angel on earth, brightening the day of children, their families, her friends and colleagues. The world was brighter every day that she shined her happy smile and loving heart. She battled valiantly, but lost in 2006.

From PMC 2008

"Commitments"

As I considered blogging through the 200 days of my 2009 experience, I wondered if I would create 200 entries. Of course I wouldn't -- I wasn't fully committed to that as a goal. Blogging over the course of the 200 days, and through the range of experiences, was, and is, my commitment.

23 days closer to the PMC -- 172 days from today -- and I more clearly understand what I am committed to for this PMC campaign:

-to acknowledging the fragility of life while appreciating the innumerable blessings of my fortunate existence, whatever it may hold;

-to encourage and invite people to help fund more life-changing and life-saving research at the Dana Farber Cancer Institute well beyond the minimum requirements of PMC riders. To donate to the DFCI via the PMC and the Jimmy Fund, please visit my PMC eGift page.

-to deepening relationships with anyone who is generous enough to allow me to ride in honor of their friends, family, and loved ones who have faced cancer. If there's a cancer survivor, thriver, or angel that you'd like to share with me and Team Avanti, please email me with a favorite story, a fond memory, or just a name.

-to give platelets as often as every two weeks, and to encourage others to do so. It's easy, no more painful than giving blood, and it allows a cancer patient to have a treatment that otherwise must be postponed. Here's info on donating platelets in the Jimmy Fund building at the Dana Farber.

-to embrace the PMC experience as a meditative practice that allows and requires me to be aware of the ebbs and flows of thoughts and feelings through the season. Hence this blog!


Image of the snow bike from the Desert Rose Press Gallery: http://desertrosepress.com/Gallery/

Kicked By An Angel

"Kicked By An Angel" is a moving blog, subtitled "My thoughts on life as I struggle through breast cancer"

Frances bade 2008 "Good riddance!" with the following lessons:

I am not the same person I was before my cancer diagnosis. I can’t say that I am better or worse — just different. I look at life, my children, daily tasks from a different skew. I have a better appreciation regarding the passing of time and a renewed respect to really try to live in the moment. I can’t say that I now live every day as if it were my last but I do think about and cherish the small intricate details more often; especially regarding my children.

So on this snowy New Years Eve at the end of 2008 here is a list of things that I learned:

1. Pettiness and Drama have no place in my life and I learned to cut out all the people who perpetuate those energy-sapping qualities.

2. I have absolutely no control over many things in life –including many aspects of my own health as well as the actions of others.

3. Most people are generally well-meaning, well-intentioned, and kind.

4. Everyone, including myself, feels jealous and resentful at times. We must have been given those emotions for a reason. I think it’s OK to feel them as long as we admit it instead of feeling ashamed. Maybe jealousy is there to spur us into action.

5. People can change, and they do, all the time.

6. Relationships enter our lives when we need them and stay while we continue to learn and grow. When we no longer learn and grow then that relationship passes;not to be mourned, but to be celebrated, and remembered fondly.

7. Forgiveness is the most important gift we have to give each other; because nobody is perfect (not even my mother!)

See the rest of the post, and many more, at Kicked by an Angel.

"Snow Days"

Snow days were so much fun when I was a kid. They were so different, so free...truly days off.

There were no snow days in college, and I declined to embrace one that came my way when a Nor'easter flooded New York Harbor. In Boston, the 35" April Fool's day blizzard kept me home, and that was fun.

Now with three kids, snow days are less irregular, but require more creativity, especially when the snow turns to rain.

How many days do we get that are the snowdays of our youth or of our untethered adulthood? Can I enjoy snowdays when they are less free, require more logistcs, and require shovelling three times a day?

Yes I can, and I will, find a way to live every single day fully. That's the challenge and opportunity of snow days.

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184 days to the PMC. 2009 miles: 20.
"200 Days to the PMC" Blog

"Different Muscles"

Just back from a weekend in south Texas with 14 classmates/fraternity brothers. I rented a "beach bike," complete with a wide saddle and honkin' big handlebars. I got outside on a bike for the first time in 2009 -- probably got about 3 hours of riding time. The ride required different muscles, from my feet up to my hands and shoulders. Working my legs was familiar, everything else was different. I was upright, and exposed to the wind, which I caught well.

The weekend was similar. Spending the weekend with 14 good friends I last saw together in 1986 also required different muscles, most specifically a nimble mind and quick, acerbic tongue. Great fun, and wonderful memories.

Coming home requires reactivation of different muscles, as does donating platelets to those who battle cancer with very, very different muscles, perseverance, and talents.

"Reminders"

Although he keeps a journal, a friend was befuddled by my plan to blog through the PMC season. And I didn't have a good answer at the time.

Today I concluded that blogging is a reminder to remember why I'm committed to contributing to the campaign to eradicate cancer.

Remembering family and friends who have been touched by cancer. Remembering those we have lost, and reminding myself that the $35 million that riders raised last year, which - without question- has advanced treatments that have saved and extended lives into 2009. Furthermore, I'm committed because the PMC delivers more to the Dana Farber than any other athletic fundraiser, and it does so at 100% efficiency, which is unprecedented. These charts tell the compelling story another way: Top Fundraising Events in the USA and Massachusetts.

Pan-Massachusetts Challenge Gives $35 Million to the Jimmy Fund
PMC Founder Billy Starr on the success of the event

Please click the PMC logo
to donate to support the research at
the Dana Farber Cancer Institute.

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190 days to the PMC (0 miles ridden this year)

"Helping"

(Written Monday, January 19, 2009)

I want this to be the most productive PMC season I've had, and I know that I don't have all the answers and skills I'll need to contribute more. So, I've asked for help.- probably the first of many times I'll do so.

My first request was to Paul Gillin, who knows social media cold. I asked for guidance and he gave it quickly, thoroughly, and enthusiastically. I'll implement everything I possibly can from his list of recommendations. It was easy for him to do - it was "frictionless."

When people ask me to do things I do often and easily, it's easy to say yes. If more people, and organizations, asked more people to help in ways that are easy for them, there'd be more volunteers.

What do you do well? I'd like to be able to ask you for help that would be ask for you to provide.

193 days to the PMC
(January 19, 2009)

"Inauguration Day"

Inauguration: a) Formal induction into office. b) A formal beginning or introduction.

Today was the formal beginning of the Obama administration but, clearly, the work already had started on or even before Election Day. Optimism is high.

The Pan-Mass Challenge starts, for many, the day they register, but in reality, the work on the 2009 PMC started before the 2008 PMC. Probably started in earnest two years ago, but we can't deny the impact of the 29 PMCs that have been staged.

All this makes the PMC most productive athletic fundraisers in the world. Last year, we riders-- more than 5000 cyclists -- raised $35 million to fund research and patient care at the Dana Farber Cancer Institute in Boston. 100% of funds raised by riders went directly to the Dana Farber through the Jimmy Fund. Riders pay registration fees while sponsors donate goods, services, and funds generously to cover the expenses of all the events. Your support pays for nothing but the good work going on over there.

Please donate what you can, and pass this along to anyone else who may be interested in supporting the great work at Dana Farber through our ride in the PMC.

192 days to the Pan-Mass Challenge.

"It's Cold!"

It's COLD here in New England! So cold, our kids' ski program didn't ski this morning. So cold that people abandoned their plans!

I adjusted my plan, and my expectations, and still got outside this morning, enjoying the clear blue skies and the curling wisps of fireplace smoke that then tumbled over the fields and into the woods. This afternoon, I bundled up and skied, and it was fantastic and delightful. I didn't even feel "cold" because I was dressed in everything that keeps me warm.

Life is cold! You just have to bundle up and go. Cold as it may be, that's no reason to miss out on the beauty, fun, and nuances of each day.

196 days to the PMC.

"Challenges"

The Pan Mass Challenge is a set of big challenges. And "challenge" is in the name, so "hard" is OK!

It's a bit of a challenge to register your first year. It's a big challenge to say "I'll commit to raising thousands of dollars, or pay it myself!" It's a big challenge to raise that much money. It's a challenge to find the time to train enough to be able to be confident heading toward the start of the longest ride you may ever have done. It's a challenge to stay safe, and courteous, through dozens of towns that accommodate the ride.

Those all semm like challenges, until I think of the challenge of battling cancer.

Then it seems pretty reasonable, and well within my grasp.

197 days to go.

Faith and the PMC

Three friends of mine are contemplating registering for the 2009 PMC. They are all (smartly) evaluating, thinking, assessing, and considering how difficult it will be to meet the fundraising minimum for 2009.

I have faith, and that faith is a cornerstone of my participation in the Pan Mass Challenge, and the experiences that surround it.

I have faith that my friends and family, and their friends and families, will come together to support the research the doctors and scientists conduct at the Dana Farber Cancer Institute because they too have faith that cures for cancers will be found, and that their contributions matter.

I have faith that we are getting closer by the mile, and that the kid in the picture will live to by 77.

197 days to the PMC.

Honoring the Fallen

Firefighters all over New England, along with family and friends, are flocking to a church in Quincy to honor a firefighter who died on the job on Friday. I saw a caravan of MBTA busses filled with uniformed firefighters move through the center of my small town, coming from another, as it moved deliberately to worship.

I ride the PMC to honor the fallen, and the fighters who battle cancer. They are my family and friends, and the loved ones of my family and friends, and their family and friends. My Team Avanti teammates and I have honored hundreds of people -- and thought about them before during, and after the ride -- for the last three years.

To see some of the people we have ridden to honor, please click ON the picture below to see it full-size with captions. To share a the name and story of a friend or loved one we can honor in 2009, please comment or send an email to Team Avanti.

198 days to the PMC.

"Look for the good"

"Look for the good all about you, and you will become happier." Charles Shipley (paraphrased)

Pretty good advice...from hospital wall.

If I look for the good, doesn't that suggest I expect to find it? When I do, that confirms my "hypothesis," or fulfills my "prophesy."

I'm going out to live the day, looking for good. I'll let you know what I find.

199 days.

200 Days to the 30th Pan Mass Challenge

The 30th ride of the Pan Mass Challenge starts 200 days from now. I'm committing to making these 200 days count. How much can I contribute? How much can I give, and share? What is possible? Who will join, support, encourage, and contribute?

I'm going to look for the inspiring stories among the friends I know and the friends I meet. And their friends, and especially those who have been forced to face the challenge, and opportunity(?), of cancer.

Team Avanti is my starting point for this year. The experience of riding with Rob Rodgers, Matt Schulman, Rob Mosher, and Joe Parrish last year was tremendous, and enhanced by the wonderful people who I met through them. As the snow falls, I eagerly await the first ride of spring in the fresh morning air with "the boys."

Reflection on the PMC - 2008

(written August 5, 2008)

My emotions are in conflict right now. How can I cry and be so proud at the same time? So grateful and angry at the same second? I feel so strong and weak, exhausted and energized. Personally powerful with the ability to direct myself and simultaneously powerless to personally stop the advance of cancers. Sad at the loss of loved ones and conclusion of the event, and elated to have finished it strongly, with a team of great friends who I’ll see frequently, and look at with different eyes of affection and admiration.

It’s a shocking, inspiring dichotomy.

Perhaps that’s why the PMC works in such an unprecedented way. It combines my ability to be personally powerful in meeting the physical, logistical, and fundraising challenges while providing a platform for hope that our commitment can contribute to the eradication of cancer and all the associated pain. Optimism and joy rise so very, very high as I pedal and revel in the loving support and boisterous cheers of volunteers, spectators, teammates, family and friends.

And then I plummet to the depth of an unmatched sadness as I feel the loss of my Mom. And her friends. And my teammates’ loved ones. And my friends’, and their loved ones. I remember witnessing the pain and frustration of the battle with cancer that my Mom waged, and I sense the sum of the pain so many have faced. My heart feels shattered, and somehow my pain is relieved as I drain my legs and body of their strength during the ride.

Our practices of riding to honor cancer survivors, thrivers, and angels expands the number of loved ones who power my legs and, I hope and believe, receive some energy from my commitment, exertion, and love.

Taking action gives me hope. Acknowledging the challenges so many face and wallowing in my discomfort is productively humbling. Exhausting myself feels like a good way to contribute my energy to the population of cancer survivors and angels.

I am grateful to have the opportunity and ability to give, and proud to have done so. I have an agreement with myself to do my best. Sometimes I come wonderfully close to meeting that, and this year’s effort and results in the PMC is one of those sometimes. I look forward to chance to get even closer in 2009.

Love,

John

First Ride

The PMC is in 50 days, and yesterday I got on my bike for the first time this season! Knee surgery and recuperation/rehab required the delay. So, 'ride #1', for the season was 43 days post-op an 50 days pre-PMC. I now feel as confident that I'll ride as the docs were skeptical that I would when we scgeduled surgery.

So what!!! This is such a sml challenge when compared to those faced by the patients, families, and loved ones who face the confrontation with cancer. Lucky me that a doc could snip, poke, drill and screw the solution into my knee!

It's a great day! The sun is shining, I'm breathing deeply as I pedal, and I'm reminded of the l pleasures life presents as my knee says 'hi there!'
John Marchiony