Frustration vs. Living in the Moment

156 days to the 30th Pan Mass Challenge | 200 Days to the PMC Blog
Please donate to fund research at the Dana Farber via the Jimmy Fund/Pan Mass Challenge - click the bike.

156 days to the 30th Pan Mass Challenge, and I am teetering between frustration and living in the moment.

Having four of five family members battling the flu-ish bug is frustrating. It made it much more challenging to be enchanted by the present moments that presented themselves over the February vacation week. Like a fun ski race, two beautiful, snowstorms, a day with my brother and his boy, lovely drives with my daughter and an excellent meeting with a client who wants us to do more.

Great moments teetering on the other side of the see-saw trying to overcome the weight of frustration.

Frustration has a strong hold on a part of my professional life. The economy presents challenges for my financial services startup, but also is the driving force behind the need for our products and services.

And today I found a posting what looks like a dream (FT) job for me - the title has four of my favorite six business words. I was flying high with excitement, and then I heard that the company had not secured anticipated funding and downsized drastically.

I can only imagine the frustration of battling cancer, and then I remember how many battlers have been grateful for the shock that leads them to learn how to live fully in the moment.

I'm looking forward to the moments of the coming 156 days!

"Degree of Difficulty"

My daughter has a hideous, hideous cold, complete with fever, cough, congestion, and sore throat. She feels yukky and thinks life couldn't get worse. Wrong-o, babycakes, but that's a 'feature' of being a blessedly healthy 13-year-old.

My friend Geoff broke his neck ski racing three weeks ago. Clean break of a cervical vertebrae. He was pretty loopy and really sore, but not paralyzed. Ended his ski season, but not his life, and not his mobility. He'll recover with no fear of relapse.

Cancer is tough, and deserves to be defeated. Please join the fight by doing what you can. Some suggestions.
1) Give blood.
2) Give platelets.
3) Fund research.

Thanks!

A favorite PMC photo...

This is one of my favorite signs, and thoughts, of the Pan Mass Challenge.

From PMC 2008

Sax: Meg's Angel

168 days to the 30th Pan Mass Challenge | 200 Days to the PMC Blog
Please donate to fund research at the Dana Farber via the Jimmy Fund/Pan Mass Challenge - click the bike.

Each year, Team Avanti rides the PMC to honor cancer survivors, thrivers and angels. Here's the first share from a friend. We look forward to hearing from you about the special people in your life who have been touched by cancer.

Jim Cummings-Saxton, a.k.a. "Sax." Sax was my boss when I first entered the world of Environmental Consulting. He had come to environmental consulting out of pure conviction, via NASA and consulting to Harley Davidson. He was a 6'5" piece of work ... and on one of our first commutes to DC together, we figured out that he was a class ahead of my dad at Mt. Lebanon High School in Pittsburgh, PA. I love the small world thing, but it only got smaller! He handed me a doozy of a client at the EPA, apologizing profusely b/c the guy had a reputation for being "challenging." I was brand new to consulting and nervous as all get out ... but I jumped in feet first w/ my first conference call, and discovered that my client was a big sailor (I have sailed all my life) and had been my brother's economics professor in college (not a great outcome there, but hey, it was a connection). The client and I became a good team and Sax was happy. Sax had another problem. He was short-staffed. So he bucked company procedure and staffed his project w/ associates (as opposed to senior associates). We loved Sax and we cranked. EPA was happy and we travelled the country preaching the "cleaner, cheaper, smarter" mantra for EPA. Trying desperately to merge the private and public sides of environmental protection.

I went through two maternity leaves w/ Sax and threatened to leave each time. But I always came back. When I did finally leave the firm, I stayed in touch. A few years later, our youngest was born w/ some medical complications and I decided to stay home. Shortly after, Sax became sick w/ a brain tumor. I was stunned. I had two friends whose daughters were diagnosed w/ brain tumors. I felt completely helpless and began to take Sax to some of his treatments at Mass General. Afterward, he and my 1 1/2 year-old and I would have lunch. He was changed by his cancer and his treatment, but he was still my dear dear Sax. Those trips were so logistically difficult to pull off, but they were worth every mile.

When Sax became too sick, he went into Hospice. Those visits were even harder. My "challenging" EPA client tracked me down and asked if I would help him visit Sax one last time. There were still a few things he wanted to talk over w/ Sax. I picked the client up at Logan and drove him to the hospital. Sax had just stopped talking the night before, so we just sat there and held his hands for an hour or so. Then I drove the client back to Logan and we said our goodbyes.

A few days later, Sax left us. His memorial service was in a packed-to-the-gills stone church on a hilltop in Nahant. It was November, and it was honking windy and pouring rain -- like a scene out of a movie. I read a memorial piece as well as a piece from former colleagues of mine who could not be there.

I think about Sax all the time. He taught me more than I could ever convey in a paragraph or two. I feel that so many of us were robbed by his cancer-induced death.

I think that this ride is a way to pay tribute to so so so many like Sax and also to promote A CURE. Ride safely and fast and thanks for honoring these tremendous men, women & children.

Thanks John. Meg

"Sync"

173 days to the 30th Pan Mass Challenge.

Yesterday, I felt out of "sync" because I was out of my normal, winter Saturday routine of skiing. Body and mind were unbalanced, and I felt disoriented until I recognized "why." Only then could I rebalance and get synced with myself.

If I got knocked out of balance from such a relatively small disturbance, what must it be like to be whacked, thwacked, shoved and pummeled by something big, like a cancer diagnosis, or having a loved one lose the battle with cancer?

It's huge, I know from experience, and my way through relied on contemplation, expression, and relying on others who had strength I lacked at that moment. Then, it took me years to regain my balance. Fortunately, I'm wiser now and faster to turn to my trusted tools.

How do you get back in sync?

Losing my mom, Eve, and then her best friend, Helga, disturbed my balance for years.

From PMC 2008

Jen Kay's death, so offensively early, brought focus to "doing good."

From PMC 2008

Debi Finnerty was an angel on earth, brightening the day of children, their families, her friends and colleagues. The world was brighter every day that she shined her happy smile and loving heart. She battled valiantly, but lost in 2006.

From PMC 2008

"Commitments"

As I considered blogging through the 200 days of my 2009 experience, I wondered if I would create 200 entries. Of course I wouldn't -- I wasn't fully committed to that as a goal. Blogging over the course of the 200 days, and through the range of experiences, was, and is, my commitment.

23 days closer to the PMC -- 172 days from today -- and I more clearly understand what I am committed to for this PMC campaign:

-to acknowledging the fragility of life while appreciating the innumerable blessings of my fortunate existence, whatever it may hold;

-to encourage and invite people to help fund more life-changing and life-saving research at the Dana Farber Cancer Institute well beyond the minimum requirements of PMC riders. To donate to the DFCI via the PMC and the Jimmy Fund, please visit my PMC eGift page.

-to deepening relationships with anyone who is generous enough to allow me to ride in honor of their friends, family, and loved ones who have faced cancer. If there's a cancer survivor, thriver, or angel that you'd like to share with me and Team Avanti, please email me with a favorite story, a fond memory, or just a name.

-to give platelets as often as every two weeks, and to encourage others to do so. It's easy, no more painful than giving blood, and it allows a cancer patient to have a treatment that otherwise must be postponed. Here's info on donating platelets in the Jimmy Fund building at the Dana Farber.

-to embrace the PMC experience as a meditative practice that allows and requires me to be aware of the ebbs and flows of thoughts and feelings through the season. Hence this blog!


Image of the snow bike from the Desert Rose Press Gallery: http://desertrosepress.com/Gallery/