Friday, October 10, 2008

Reflection on the PMC - 2008

(written August 5, 2008)

My emotions are in conflict right now. How can I cry and be so proud at the same time? So grateful and angry at the same second? I feel so strong and weak, exhausted and energized. Personally powerful with the ability to direct myself and simultaneously powerless to personally stop the advance of cancers. Sad at the loss of loved ones and conclusion of the event, and elated to have finished it strongly, with a team of great friends who I’ll see frequently, and look at with different eyes of affection and admiration.

It’s a shocking, inspiring dichotomy.

Perhaps that’s why the PMC works in such an unprecedented way. It combines my ability to be personally powerful in meeting the physical, logistical, and fundraising challenges while providing a platform for hope that our commitment can contribute to the eradication of cancer and all the associated pain. Optimism and joy rise so very, very high as I pedal and revel in the loving support and boisterous cheers of volunteers, spectators, teammates, family and friends.

And then I plummet to the depth of an unmatched sadness as I feel the loss of my Mom. And her friends. And my teammates’ loved ones. And my friends’, and their loved ones. I remember witnessing the pain and frustration of the battle with cancer that my Mom waged, and I sense the sum of the pain so many have faced. My heart feels shattered, and somehow my pain is relieved as I drain my legs and body of their strength during the ride.

Our practices of riding to honor cancer survivors, thrivers, and angels expands the number of loved ones who power my legs and, I hope and believe, receive some energy from my commitment, exertion, and love.

Taking action gives me hope. Acknowledging the challenges so many face and wallowing in my discomfort is productively humbling. Exhausting myself feels like a good way to contribute my energy to the population of cancer survivors and angels.

I am grateful to have the opportunity and ability to give, and proud to have done so. I have an agreement with myself to do my best. Sometimes I come wonderfully close to meeting that, and this year’s effort and results in the PMC is one of those sometimes. I look forward to chance to get even closer in 2009.

Love,

John